My name is Kali. My baby, Sloane, is almost 4 months old and I’m attempting to recover from postpartum depression and anxiety.
A “text book perfect” birth
I had a relatively easy pregnancy and a “by the book” planned c-section. In the hospital I felt great in terms of my mental and emotional state. I guess I was running on adrenaline and the newness of this experience. Physically, I healed quickly and was up and moving around right away. But while my body was adjusting well to the fourth trimester, my mind was self-destructing.
Things take a turn…
A few days after we got home from the hospital, my world was turned upside down.
Symptoms of Postpartum Depression set in
I became very quiet. I was filled with all-consuming thoughts of hopelessness. I couldn’t eat. I felt detached from conversations. I feigned laughter.
My depression consumed me with fears, regrets and doubts. I missed my freedom. I hated being relied upon every minute of every day. I felt trapped and suffocated. I desperately wanted my old life back.
I remember saying: “I don’t want to die, but I want to run away and never come back.”
Symptoms of Postpartum Anxiety set in
I couldn’t stand to be alone with my baby for even a short amount of time. My crippling anxiety stopped me from being able to take Sloane for a walk or ride in a car with her.
Kali begins to seek community
In a million years I never thought I would be browsing Instagram mom accounts and googling “postpartum depression symptoms” trying to make sense of the foreign thoughts invading my mind. Trying to find some explanation for these unexpected and overwhelming feelings of panic and fear.
Wasn’t this supposed to be the happiest time of our lives? Instead I was terrified I was going crazy and was convinced I would lose my husband.
Kali finds the supports she needs
I reached out for help in a desperate attempt to save my sanity. Through medication, therapy, and support from friends and family, I’m finally coming out of the darkness.
During many sleepless nights, I would lie awake, distracted by the words swirling around in my head. I finally stopped ignoring them and started to write. I shared my “nightly musings” with close friends and with their encouragement, decided to publicly share my story and these therapeutic writings.
Kali becomes an advocate for mamas everywhere
I started @momfightclub_ because my progress is in large part due to other women willing to open up about postpartum disorders. This is my attempt to pay it forward. To join the cause. I want to support women struggling with being a new mom while battling their own mind.
I’ll leave you with a quick snapshot of my nightly musings:
>>This anxiety seems to always be one step ahead of my mind. Like a constant psychological arms race. As soon as I find a promising coping technique, my PPA morphs into a new demon with a unique way of wreaking havoc on my mental state.
Even if you are equipped with a fully capable and willing army, this is not traditional warfare. The enemy is invisible and unexpected. The ammunition difficult to find and slow to defend.<<
Please feel free to reach out to me. Join the club! We’re all in this together! #momfightclub
Follow Kali on Instagram at @momfightclub_