Everything was perfect a day ago…
I could finally fulfill my dream of traveling now that I was on maternity leave, taking more than the average 3-6 months off for my new baby. My life could not have felt more complete. I had my dream job, two beautiful sons, an amazing fiancé and my own little business on the side. Life just couldn’t get any better.
Saving every penny since I was 22, I was now ready to purchase a house. 27, living my best life as some would say. Little did I know all these rainbows and butterflies would turn into a whole lot of dark days.
Who am I kidding? Let’s try weeks and months.
Six in the morning, the phone rang. My fiancé sleeps like a rock so I nudged him a few times and eventually yelled, “Babe please, your phone is going off. Turn off that alarm before you wake up the baby.”
My fiancé eventually woke up. It wasn’t his alarm ringing, it was his mother calling. His father had had a stroke around 4am. My fiancé left immediately to hospital and thats where my nightmare began.
I had a 3 month old baby. Breastfeeding on and around the clock, sleepless nights, in and out of the hospital. Trying to be the best mother I could be. The best fiancé, too. My father in law was no longer verbal after the stroke. He can’t walk on his own. And at only 49 years of age. He’s the sweetest man you’ll ever meet, hard working, kind hearted and my fiancé is a spitting image of him.
I now have a broken family. No one visits my new baby because we’re now visiting Ray in the hospital. No babysitter because my mother in law is with Ray 24/7. He needs around the clock care. My fiancé works most of the day and any spare time he has is now spent at the hospital.
Some days I don’t even get a chance to shower. Not even 2 seconds to myself. Stress is drying up my breastmilk. Did I mention the no sleep part? And now I’m crying every 5 minutes because my hormones are all over the place due to the new baby.
No traveling, no house shopping. I began to feel so alone. I couldn’t complain or tell anyone I need help, not only physically but mentally, because if I did I would feel so selfish! I thought, “There are actual people out there dying, living speechless like my father in law, and I’m here complaining?”
It got worse by the day. I’d put a smile on for my fiancé and kids, but oh man was I hurting. The only reason I got out of bed was because my oldest wasn’t a baby. I didn’t want him to notice I’d rather sleep the day away, then enjoy it with him and my family.
Is this depression? Is it Anxiety? Because sometimes I feel like I can’t breathe. What is going on with me? I’d soon find out that I was suffering from postpartum depression.
I made the decision to call my doctor because suffering in silence wasn’t getting any easier. This was the best decision I had made in a long time. She opened my eyes to see that many other women just like me were dealing with similar issues and no one knew.
No, I am not selfish. No, I am not looking for attention. I am a woman. A mother with a great career. I’m an amazing fiancé, and I’m here to say, “It’s okay to not be okay!”. If you need help, reach out to those who love you or if you’re silently hurting, get professional help.
Thank you PPD journey for reaching out.